today, three years ago, my dad walked out. it was just a couple months before my 16th birthday. i had known for about a week what would be happening on that day. saturday january 24, 2009 at 11:15 am, i sat in my room, looking out my window, watching my dad leave. that was the most conflicting day of my entire life. i didn't like my dad so i was so relieved to see him leave, but at the same time, my dad was leaving my family and i didn't understand why. as i watched my dad go, i was listening to Paramore's remake of the song, "my hero" which is ironic if you ask me. listen to the song and you'll know why. my mum was the young women's president at the time and that same day was priest/laurel conference so my mum and my brother had to leave right after my dad to go to that. i was 15, home alone, angry, confused and scared as heck. i also had an english project due that monday for my pre-ap english class. among all those emotions and things to do, what did i do? i grabbed my MP3 player, a sweater and went outside.
we lived in the middle of the woods and at first i hated that, but then i realized that on cloudy, rainy days, it was the best place to be. and that's what the weather was on that saturday morning. i love overcast and rain and i thought that was God's way of comforting me. my dad bought an RV when i was 12 and it sat in our yard in TX becuase it couldn't reverse. that morning, my dad hired a tow truck to get it out of our yard and take it where he wanted it. i walked outside and stood in the spot where the RV used to sit. it was quiet outside except for the rain hitting the leaves. the forest was really green and peaceful. there was a clearing in the woods that i loved to sit in when i had a lot to think about or when it was raining. i went over to that clearing and stood there, looking at the trees and the leaves on the ground. i wasn't thinking about anything in particular, i was actually trying not to think. after standing there for awhile, i went to the giant clearing behind our house and walked along the line of trees that boardered the clearing. i started walking on a path that i found in the trees, but when i saw some weird animal in the trees, i quickly decided i didn't wanna die and went back inside.
today, i was in science class at 11:15 texas time. i had this weird, overwhelming desire to go back in time. i thought that maybe if i ran fast enough, i could transport back to the day and time of when my dad left. believe it or not, i WANT to relive that day. well, i want to watch it...but i wouldn't do anything differently, i'd just sit and watch the whole thing again. that sounds messed up, but that day was so important to who i am right now. if that day didn't happen, i'm so completely convinced i wouldn't be at BYU-I right now. i would be a totally different person and i don't think it would be for the better. my family went through so much after that day and i wonder all the time how i made it through all of that stuff and came out the way i did. if i went through all that stuff now, i don't know what i'd do.
i'm not sure why, but this year i've thought a lot about january 24, 2009, but this year, there are less tears. now for THAT, i know why. it's because everything i've been through the couple years before my dad left up until now have shaped me into the person i am now. i'm so happy with where i am in life. i love who i am and what i'm doing. the people who have been close with my family for the past 5 years know exactly what i'm talking about and i'm sure they completely agree with me.
it's funny because the day my dad left, it was cloudy and kind of rainy. every year after that day, on january 24, it was cloudy in magnolia. i called my mum this morning while i was getting ready for class and asked her what the weather was. her reply? "it's super cloudy and rainy". it's been cloudy and rainy on January 24 for the past 4 years. remember how i said that i thought Heavenly Father made it cloudy to comfort me? well, now i think He makes it cloudy every year on that day in rememberance of that event. call me crazy. it was even cloudy in rexburg today! well, that's all the time i have today to write. thanks for reading!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kq-DhjidQxk
this is the song i had on repeat as i was walking around outside. to this day, i still listen to this song when i feel sad or confused about something.
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